There's No Place Like Home

So I went for a run today. I started out kinda slow.. I felt out of shape, and tired, and wanted to just stop. But I kept going, and my muscles finally warmed up and I got used to the feeling of running. Then I saw a hill up ahead. Shit. But I tackled the hill, fighting my instincts to stop and walk home the whole way up. I got to the top and was tired, but really proud of myself for pushing through. This process repeated itself for all five miles.

As I was thinking about my run, I realized that my experience here is a lot similar to the run. I first got here and was ecstatic, but quickly realized holy crap, I'm in a foreign country by myself and don't know a single soul. I kept going, and got used to it. But then the hill... which in this case is homesickness.

I honestly didn't think I would experience homesickness. I knew I would miss my family and the dogs, but since I hadn't really settled into UMass Lowell, I figured that I didn't really leave much behind to miss, thus was somewhat immune to the feelings of loneliness. I don't think I'm yearning to go home as much as I'm feeling how uncomfortable it is to be out of my comfort zone. I have met a lot of great people, and am having an incredible experience. But I still can't help but feel so small in a place this big.

When I left for Ireland, my primary concern wasn't living in a place nicknamed "Stabby Ville", but making friends. It's kind of a silly thing to be afraid of, because making friends isn't exactly difficult. Especially in a situation like this where a lot of people are in the same boat. But after spending an entire semester at UMass Lowell and not really making the genuine connections I was hoping for, I was worried this semester might have a similar story. But I've realized that people are going to love me, hate me, not understand me, etc. and that's not something in my control. The only thing I really have control over is the way I react to other people. I can choose to take things personally or brush them off. I can choose to be unhappy and lonely, or I can choose to be happy. I think a lot of people are unaware of how much power we actually have over our own emotions. It really is in our hands. Positivity just takes a bit more effort than feeling sad or sorry for oneself.

So even though I've got a bit of the blues, I'm accepting that what I am doing is not an easy thing, and nothing worth having is ever easy. And i'm still making a valiant effort to make connections and get involved on the campus because time is absolutely flying already. It's interesting being in situations like this.. testing myself as an individual and seeing the affect of my environment on myself. As well as seeing the interconnectedness of community and the individual. One cannot exist without the other. I guess finding the balance and maintaining a good attitude is all we can really hope to do.

For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. Putting my head down and barreling up the hill :)